Living In A Quiet Storm [001]

January 25th, 2011 — 6:05am

It’s 1996. I am five-foot eleven and weigh a bag of sugar under eight stone. Stumbling down a Glasgow street on a rare good day, or at least a day good enough to drag to the shops and back, ten minutes each way and arriving home exhausted and sweating despite the cold. A guy accosts me, trying to buy heroin. This happened several times in the years I wasn’t eating properly, but this is the one that was more than just a request and a refusal. This guy will not believe I am not a junkie. He refuses to accept I can’t give him what he clearly needs on a profound level, becoming increasingly aggressive in the face of my denials that I don’t have a little packet of peace for him, that I don’t even have a connect I can recommend him to. It’s exhausting and I am already on the verge of collapse. I show him my forearms, the absence of marks, I explain that I am ill, depressed, burdened with chronic fatigue, muscle and joint pain, unusual headaches, sleeplessness followed by oversleeping.

It’s amusing. Or it will be later. Now, in the moment, I run out of patience. I’m weak and exhausted but I’m six inches taller than he is and still broad, even if mostly bone and skin, so I force myself to stand up straighter, anchor my feet to throw punches, clench my fists and face. I tell him to fuck off, leave me alone. He complies, skitters away. As I watch him go I’m overwhelmed by anger; that he chose to be how he is while I didn’t get that choice, that the world is unfair. It’s a tabloid response, irrational and hateful, and I know it is, but the guilt merely feeds the anger which produces, as it swells, more guilt, more anger, more guilt, and I’m going round and round and round with it.

It’s 2011 and I’m remembering that day and I’m feeling cold and lumpen. I’m still five-foot eleven but now I weigh a bag of sugar under eighteen stone. But I don’t look it, so I do nothing about it. Today I have been a non-smoker for eight weeks and two and a half days. I still want a cigarette. I will not have one. I am eating porridge and drinking water. I should shower and get ready for work.

I’m not going to pretend I’m no longer unwell. But the worst passed by a few years ago. I have a job that I’ve somehow managed to keep despite several prolonged bouts of illness over the last decade. I’m good at it, too, for all that’s worth. The antidepressants keep the worst of the broken-brained troubles at bay. The only muscle and joint pain I experience these days are the natural aches of growing older or over-exercising.

But life isn’t flawless. I am still recovering from the illnesses. I am still rebuilding. This writing, whatever it turns into, will be a part of that process. My achievements are small things these days; having eaten breakfast every day for a week, cleaning my teeth twice a day, not smoking, walking to work and taking the stairs instead of the lift, not crying for half an hour in the morning because the pain is unbearable.

It’s not perfect, not yet, not by a long way. It’ll never be perfect. But no one stops me in the street to buy heroin anymore.

Comments Off | depression, myalgic encephalomyelitis

Planting a New Year

January 1st, 2011 — 7:52pm

2010 was, for me, a horrible year, a gnarled and twisted despair of a thing that got consistently worse as it grew, budded, flowered, withered, and died.

2011, a seedling bursting with potential planted today, will hopefully grow into something better.

This year’s motto will be: Take today, beat the shit out of it, make it yours.

Yes.

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‘We want information. Information! Information!’

August 19th, 2010 — 7:16pm

I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of information. Data, knowledge, wisdom, science, call it what you want. ‘Stuff’ would be another word you could use. In particular I’ve been thinking about information in a corporeal form, immanent in the world. This computer I write on represents a huge amount of information, not just in the actual stored data, but in every aspect of its physical presence, from the chipsets to the LCD to the stickers on the keys that let me know which button to press to summon which character on the screen.

I’m listening, as I write this, to Bob Dylan’s ‘I Am A Lonesome Hobo’ from the John Wesley Harding album. It’s a pretty simple song in terms of the arrangement. We’ve got guitars, drums, cymbals, bass, a mouth organ, and Bob’s voice. It was recorded in 1967 so we’ve got magnetic tape, analogue mixers, speakers, headphones, various microphones, valve compressors and EQ units, and probably spring reverb units. We have drumsticks and plectrums and hundreds of yards of cabling. Given the limitations of editing at the time we have razor blades and Scotch tape. We have electricity and we have pressing plants to make vinyl, master tapes that were later remastered through more modern iterations of the same equipment and converted into strings of 1′s and 0′s for CD release, and that digital version has in turn been put through the MP3 encoding process so I can carry it around with another thirty-odd thousand pieces of music on an external hard drive the size of two cigarette packets stuck together. Take any one of those items and you have a whole other subset of processes. A snare drum needs trees to be felled, timber planks to be cut and then cut again, sanded, shaped and glued and finished and bearing edges cut, painted or lacquered, drilled for the shell hardware. Iron ore needs to be mined, refined, mixed with other things and put through the process that makes steel that can be cast for the hoops and the lugs, which are, in turn, chromed to protect them from erosion. Tension rods and their receivers need screw threads machined. Skins have to be made, in this case more than likely using the process Remo Belli came up with in the late 50s using PET film, a type of plastic, to provide a more durable skin than the traditional old bits of animal carcasses. Remo skins need the plastic, they need the coating, they need the metal collar that fits under the drumhoops and they need the glue that anchors the edge of the skin in the metal collar. Then you’ve got your snare wires, stretched spirals of steel, tensioned across the bottom skin to provide the rattle. There are probably other aspects of the process I’m forgetting, but you get the idea. A relatively simple instrument like a snare drum – which is just a box with a lid designed to be hit with a bit of wood – and yet we require forestry, carpentry, machinery, mining, metallurgy, plastic chemistry, and so on. Every hit on that drum that I’m hearing is the outcome of the work of hundreds of people. And you can take any one of these processes and add a whole other chain. The guys who fell the trees for example: their axes or chainsaws, the petrol for the chainsaws, the vehicles they drive to get to the site, the clothes they wear and the coffee they drink. Take the coffee and you end up with a whole other process tree, a whole other screed of technologies and people. Everything links into everything else, an endless flow of embodied information.

The quote that I’ve used for the title of this post is from the original Patrick McGoohan version of The Prisoner. It’s the obsession of number Two, in all of the various incarnations of that role, that they get the information from number Six. Information that only number Six has, the reason for his resignation. The kind of information that our storytelling is obsessed with because it doesn’t have an easily accessible physical existence in the world. It’s secret, hidden, wrapped in the grey mess of neurons that we all carry around in our heads. We privilege this kind of information because it gives good drama. Except, there’s just as much drama in a packet of cigarettes. Follow the chain, follow everyone involved in the process of putting this paper tube of tobacco (and other assorted garbage) between my fingers, trace all the lines and look at every person involved in that process and you have a human drama so massive and enveloping that it’s almost impossible to comprehend. You’d need millions of words. I’m not saying it would be necessarily be an interesting read, but it would nonetheless be something incredible.

Everything we touch is embodied information, embodied history, embodied community. Everything we do relies on the structures other people have built in the world. Clever people, smart bastards, stupid people, lovely people, idiots and drunks and maniacs and narcissists and murderers and lovers and thieves, dancers and scientists and engineers and poets and fisherfolk. All of them. Because everything links. It’s terrifying and awesome and quite exquisite. Follow the journey of a fish from the sea to the plate of a diner in a restaurant. Follow the track of the construction of a running shoe to the winning of a race. Follow the path of a bullet from conception and design through manufacture and sale to the point when it slams through a president in a motorcade on a sunny day in the early 1960s and reshapes the world.

There are stories to be told that we haven’t even touched on yet. There are myths to be made. What if you knew that the bullet that killed a president was the bullet you made, or that you were the person who sold that bullet to the strange young man with the intense stare? What if you knew that the tree you felled was the one that ended up used to make the snare drum that Mitch Mitchell played with Hendrix on the studio version of ‘Purple Haze’? And then what if you knew that the coffee you harvested was the stuff that lumberjack drank the day he cut down that tree? Or that the jeans you stitched were the ones he was wearing? Or that the oil you pulled out of the seabed was the stuff that ended up as petrol in his chainsaw when its teeth chewed through that wood? Chains of meaning and value; I am the man who made the sandwich that fed the woman who knitted the hat that the man wore who cut down the tree that became the snare drum that Mitch Mitchell played with Jimi Hendrix on ‘Purple Haze.’ Really? That’s fantastic; I am the man who tapped the rubber that ended up in the seals of the spacesuit that Neil Armstrong wore when he stepped on the Moon. Imagine knowing, as a guy who gets up every day to slash trees with a sharp knife to harvest rubber, that you were part of the process of putting a human being on the Moon. Think about the value in that for a moment. And yes, I know, it was probably synthetic rubber, but even then you have the rig workers who coerced that black gold from the seabed or the guts of the earth, the people who tankered it, those who refined it, and so on.

Of course, there is the dark side; I am the person who made the fabric of the suit that Politician X was wearing when they decided to put through the legislation that resulted in me losing my job. Really? That’s terrible, but it could be worse; I am the person who quality-assurance checked the gaffer-tape that the latest media-darling murderer used to bind his victims. But, that’s another chain of thought for another time and besides, we should all practise getting  better at taking satisfaction in the good things rather than assigning ourselves false responsibility for the shit in life.

Everything we touch, everything we use, is a string of people and moments and the long tail of all the knowledge we have as a civilisation (and by that I mean global, not local), an information piñata, and if we hit it what falls out? I’d like a world where when I buy an object I can pull data from a chip that contains everything about it, the names of those involved in every part of the process, the locations, the effort they put in to providing something for me recognised by more than just the old tired formula of giving each worker in a chain the minimum possible financial compensation for their effort. There’s a part of me would like to be able to thank those people. And I know that’s never going to be economically viable, in either time or money, but we’re living in the ‘what if?’ for a moment here. Everything we touch is an information piñata. What falls out is sweet, sweet knowledge, and the more we know about other people the easier things like empathy become. And empathy is vital if we’re to survive as a species. Empathy drives a lot of good shit in this world, and that’s not to deny self-interest because self-interest is, in fact, the fundamental component of empathy. The ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel how everything you do that affects them damages or enhances their self-interest is the foundation of empathy. And at the risk of sounding like some fucking liberal hippy nutter, the world could do with a lot more empathy.

Nothing here is radical thinking. On the contrary, it’s commonplace. If I’ve thought about it then everyone else has thought it at some point because, you know, I’m not that smart or unique. I’m just another part of the same network of information that you’re part of. But it’s important. We should take time out every now and then to look at the chains. Obviously we’re limited creatures, and our tiny brains can’t comprehend all the links at the same time, but it’s worth looking at something from a different angle now and then, being thankful for a moment for all those unknown people whose work allows you to read these words, to drink your coffee, to turn on a fucking tap and have drinkable water come out. Profoundly commonplace things are wonderful. Beat on an information piñata for a little while every now and then. Trust me, it’s excellent exercise for your skull muscle and it will enrich your life.

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Noises from the Machine

August 15th, 2010 — 8:56am

Just finished listening to Menomena’s Mines. Which is quite lovely. Go to their website and listen to some of their lovely noises via the arcane magicks of online video. Seriously. Start with Wet and Rusting: A Takeaway Show. It’s fun. Sometimes music should look like fun. If you only acquire a few tracks this month may I suggest for your consideration that one of them be INTIL from Mines, because it’s quite the prettiest, most mournful thing I’ve heard in a while. You can check it out here with a picture of the album cover to look at, or here with a sunrise/sunset thing if that’s more your bag.

And now? Chuck D, in his Mistachuck guise, with his Don’t Rhyme For The Sake Of Riddlin. Which I’m enjoying but will require a few more listenings to unpack. ‘To save the people you’ve got to serve the people.’ Heh, preach it. Watch Chuck here being awesome from an earlier solo outing back in the day. Back in the day being fourteen years ago, for fucksake. I am getting old.

Later I plan to listen again to Dead Can Dance’s eponymous album from back in the dark ages of the 1980s. Because, you know, it’s music that gives your brain space to breathe, which is never a bad thing. And after that I believe it may well be some Ornette Coleman.

As someone who grew up with cassette tapes and all their frailties and peculiarities, let me just say that I love living in the future.

S.

Comments Off | music

State of Play August 2010

August 14th, 2010 — 9:45am

Here’s where I’m at right now.

Chasm, a novel about loss and grief and betrayal, is currently in rewriting hell, moving with incredible slowness towards its v2.0. After which it goes back in the drawer until I get enough distance on it for a v3.0 revision. And then we’ll see.

A novel-thing that may be called Sunset or Paradise, Inc. or some as-yet unimagined title, which seems to be veering towards being an unholy pulp/lit-fic hybrid about something that I’m currently calling magic until I can figure out better terms of reference. Which all started from the basic idea that magic (and I really, really need to find a word that carries less of the accumulated freight of the ages than that) is a simple confidence trick played on the universe, a kind of mutant description theory in which if you can convince the universe that something is then that’s the way reality becomes. I’m getting the bones of the thing down and then it’ll be fleshed out. 50925 words as of today, and probably another 70000 to go then I have a v1.0 which will be given a quick revision to v1.1 (which will generate a list of questions a mile and a half long that I need to research) and be put to bed until the research is done. Bleh. But I’m having a hell of a lot of fun with it…

A thing I have no title for, but which seems to be about superhumans, or transhumans, or posthumans, something more powerful than humans but in human form at any rate. But not supernatural, more science-fiction, although not hard science fiction, more the limp-dick social-sciences fiction. It’s really two stories mangled into one, which is a structure that may end up killing itself, in that it begins with an ending and a beginning, and ends with a beginning and an ending, but if I can make it work will be lovely. My lists tell me I’m at 22753 words on this, which is probably somewhere between a quarter and a sixth of the length it will need to be. Only problem may be that it’s dealing with similar issues to Sunset or whatever the hell it’s called, and the overlap may be too much, especially if the containers end up being too similar. Which is, I know, a problem many writers have, but I’m going to have to figure out my own personal limits on this issue. Meh. We’ll see where it goes.

A novel called, currently, The Seven Suicide Notes Of Sebastien Smith which does what it says on the tin. Straight mainstream lit-fic this, although the subject matter may be a little darker than most are comfortable with. If I get it wrong it will be horrible and insulting, if I get it right it will be wonderful. So, you know, no pressure then. Sitting at 33369 words of disjointed and mangled prose, and I’ve a feeling this is something that’s going to come out long and then be subject to several periods of reduction and concentration. So, it’ll probably be a 200000 word first draft that ends up as a 60000 word novel. And yes, it’s about suicide.

Let me see, what else, a couple of short things that may or may not work. I’m not great at shorts, and I don’t know how much time I can really spare for them, but a good short is a wonderful thing, and I’d kind of like to be good at them. So, yeah, some bits and pieces floating around but nothing you could make a meal from.

Finally, something I’ll call PROJEKT! FUKKING! LUNATIK! for now because, frankly, every time I think about it it makes my brain leak out of my ears a little. It’s… huge and I’m terrified of it, but now I’ve had the idea I’m not sure I can let go of it. So I’m making notes and building lists and figuring out which ideas I already have in play could work as part of something bigger. I’ll say no more about it now, not because I’m superstitious but because I think this idea may be the single most idiotic thing I have ever attempted in my life, and I am equally excited and (as I believe I already said) terrified at the prospect. That’s TERRIFIED, for those of you not paying attention.

Publication continues to bother me, in that there’s still a perceived gulf in quality between the offerings of individuals via POD and the offerings of the mainstream publishers. Which may be justified in some case, maybe not in others. My list of reservations about each are roughly the same length, but POD is currently winning out because it seems like a lot less hassle, to be honest. But how to spin things out there? Free to read is an idea I like, but making money is also attractive, and I think people are generally more willing to pay for their art and culture than the current obsession with introducing heavy-handed digital copyright acts to crack down on filesharers would have us believe.

Me, I’d love a situation where every writer has free-to-read novels on their site and I can buy an e-book, or audiobook, or hardcopy version from them in the knowledge that they’re making a fair chunk of the cover price. It’d be nice to know that if I pay, say, £8.00 for a book that the writer in question is seeing something between £2.00 to £4.00 of that. I’m pretty sure that 25 – 50% of cover price as author profit is not a spread that either traditional publishing or POD could support, but I would actually alter my book-buying if I could find out, at the shopping stage, exactly how much of my spend was going to the creator and where the rest of my money was going. Of course, this is a ludicrous idea, from a business point of view. But from a creator and customer point of view? Anyway, I’m talking out of my arse and all this is something that’s on the list of things I need to research.

S.

Comments Off | fiction writing

I Am Not Dead

July 7th, 2010 — 9:47am

Have been quite ill. Medication-rebalancing and life-rearranging has ensued. Have essentially lost six months to depression and suicidal ideation. But, seem to be on the road towards Better, if not yet in sight of Well.

Expect more noises here, probably including some thinking aloud about the nature of depression and despair and the ways I manage to live a semi-normal life through them. Imagine a man dragging a bus everywhere he goes, using a chain attached by a meat hook to his cheek, and you’re getting close.

Lovely image, isn’t it?

S.

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The frailty of technology

January 26th, 2010 — 9:56am

I am writing this on my phone because our landline is fluttering on the verge of death, impossible to use because of the haze of crackling and distortion. But to be honest I can live without a landline phone because I get tremendous 3G reception here in the flat. Except the landline goes down and our internet access goes with it. And, honestly, there’s only so much a person can handle of the powerful, highly graphical online world through a screen the size of a credit card.

Don’t get me wrong, this phone (a Motorola DEXT, or CLIQ if you’re from the US), is a lovely piece of kit. The screen is pretty, the touch is quick and responsive, and the QWERTY slide-out keyboard is a thing of wonder and joy. But it’s not even a replacement for my eee701, let alone my more generously screened main PC. The wonders of miniaturisation are, well, wonderful, but I have ten fingers and typing with my thumbs is not a long term plan. On the move it’s fabulous, at home it feels like a cage.

Our modern access to the wider world is incredible, so much so that we do miss it desperately when it’s gone, but now I’m wanting to create a POD novel presence and all the rest of it for my fiction, a reliable connection to the internet world is not just an enjoyable, taken-for-granted luxury, it’s a bloody necessity. The fragility of the house landline, coupled with the need for on the move connectivity, are the main reasons why I wanted an Andrid phone with a hardware keyboard. And I got one just in time. But imagine if, like many people, I only got a piss-poor 3G signal? Or no 3G at all? I’d be standing in the street screaming into a cone of rolled-up cardboard, pleading for someone, anyone, to connect with me.

Internet access is now so vital to me that I have to think about contingency plans for when it’s not available. This phone and an unlimited internet bundle being, in part, that contingency. But that’s kind of scary when you think about it, given that I don’t have a contingency in place for our water supply being cut off beyond knowing where the local supermarkets are. Or a plan for if the gas and elecricity are down beyond a few candles and many duvets.

There’s a slogan in there somewhere, perhaps: the internet, more valuable than utilities, but I have to go now because my thumbs are tired.

1 comment » | modern life is awesome, modern life is rubbish

Thought for the day 10/01/2010

January 10th, 2010 — 8:26pm

From an interview here with Danish novelist Peter Høeg. For me, Høeg is one of the finest writers of prose fiction working in the world today, in any language, and the salient point here is this:

“If you don’t understand something, it’s a psychological reaction to feel that there must be something wrong with what you’re reading,” Høeg says. “It’s much harder to feel ‘maybe I should read the book more times?’”

I love the churn and turnover of our culture and the constant appearance of new and interesting works of art to enjoy. But that doesn’t mean everything should be bite-sized and easily digestible. There is still a place for complex and involving works, and there is still a place for works that richly repay repeated readings, viewings, or listenings. It’s just up to us as consumers to make the effort and put the time in to get the rewards out.

(Occasionally I’ll post things that writers have said or written, as much to jog my own memory as for any educational or entertainment value. Because you learn to write, in part, by reading and listening to people who are smarter than you are.)

Comments Off | external memory, writers

Thought for the day 06/12/2009

December 6th, 2009 — 12:12pm

An interesting take on the intentionality of writing, from Nobel winner (and exquisite prose stylist, even in translation) Claude Simon. Interview by Anthony Cheal Pugh here.

I do not set out with any “demonstrative strategy,” deliberate or otherwise. I do not even know, when beginning a novel, what is going to be said (I stress the passive here). I adopt completely Paul Valery’s declaration: “If, therefore, I am asked; if people are anxious to know (as it happens, very anxious to know) what I meant in such and such a poem, I reply that I did not intend to say anything, but that I intended to make something, and that it was the intention to make something which was responsible for what I said”.

(Occasionally I’ll post things that writers have said or written, as much to jog my own memory as for any educational or entertainment value. Because you learn to write, in part, by reading and listening to people who are smarter than you are.)

Comments Off | external memory, writers

Thought for the day 05/12/2009

December 5th, 2009 — 5:48pm

From Angela Carter, interviewed by Anna Katsavos here.

Speculative fiction really means that, the fiction of speculation, the fiction of asking “what if?” It’s a system of continuing inquiry. In a way all fiction starts off with “what if,” but some “what ifs” are more specific. One kind of novel starts off with “What if I found out that my mother has an affair with a man that I thought was my uncle?” That’s presupposing a different kind of novel from the one that starts off with “What if I found out my boyfriend had just changed sex?” If you read the New York Times Book Review a lot, you soon come to the conclusion that our culture takes more seriously the first kind of fiction, which is a shame in some ways. By the second “what if’ you would actually end up asking much more penetrating questions. If you were half way good at writing fiction, you’d end up asking yourself and asking the reader actually much more complicated questions about what we expect from human relationships and what we expect from gender.

(Occasionally I’ll post things that writers have said or written, as much to jog my own memory as for any educational or entertainment value. Because you learn to write, in part, by reading and listening to people who are smarter than you are.)

Comments Off | external memory, writers

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